Abortion Conversations with Men- Adam

Our guest today is Adam Bauer. He joined me to share his experiences with, and thoughts about, abortion. His words are thoughtful and his heart is open as we discuss the complexities of life.

The best place to learn more about Adam is on his website: https://iamadambauer.com
and if you use Spotify be sure to check out his beautiful music.

In every episode of this podcast I read a blog post I’ve written and we follow up with a conversation about the topic at hand and what it means for women and their ability to thrive after abortion. Happy listening and as always feel free to send me your reflections and questions.

Our guest today is Adam Bauer. He joined me to share his experiences with, and thoughts about, abortion. His words are thoughtful and his heart is open as we discuss the complexities of life.

Show notes: 

• 1:58
  Brief Adam Intro

• 4:44
  Start of my Blog post

• 10:17
  “We’re right up on the edge of life and death, and love, and will, and choice…”

• 10:30
  Adam’s inspiration for being a part of the conversation, his story

• 19:55
  How many men do we know who have personally encountered abortion multiple time in their lives

• 20:55
  The whitewashing of men’s “mistakes”, while women bear the shame and responsibility

• 22:42
  Men “can’t” feel abortion the way that women’s do and it makes it too easy for it to be swept aside

• 23:49
  The cultural suppression of men’s feelings

• 25:09
  “We can’t discount the ways in which we all were molded by a broken dark culture, which does not invite honesty or true communication or accountability…”

• 26:17
  “...until we are able to be vulnerable, and be heard and be with others until they are vulnerable and healed, we’re not gonna fix this…” 

• 27:47
  The ways we as women block others in order to stand strong in our power

• 31:14
  “We face in life, circumstances that crack us open, that push us to the edge, that push us beyond the edge, and don’t permit easy solutions…”

• 32:16
  “...we are incapable of holding all of the complexity and intensity that is there… sometimes we need to just be in the witness of it all and allow ourselves to be humbled by it and hopefully to be opened by it...”

• 33:49
  What we can learn by going back and looking at our abortions from a different lens

• 34:47
  I ask, “When was the first time you remember thinking about abortion?”

• 37:35
  Adam’s experience in a Planned Parenthood youth theater in high school

• 38:18
  I ask, “What are the conversations men are having about abortion?”

• 40:32
  What if we were having these conversations before they were necessary?

• 43:54
  “Teaching children about healthy sexuality and birth control and human sexuality before they are sexually active is a smarter strategy and a kinder way of living…”

• 48:06
  Closing words from Adam
  

The post:

“My body, my choice.”
“Women’s rights”
“No uterus, no opinion.”

The abortion conversation almost always centers around women, but I’ll never forget the looks on his face as we navigated our abortion. His body language completely shifted. His tone changed. We were swimming through waters that we’d never swam in before. We needed each other in ways we had never needed each other before. Unplanned pregnancy changed us, even before we chose abortion.

The baby was in my body, but it wasn’t all mine. We made a baby together. I couldn’t deny the fact that what was happening in our life was ours, not mine. 

There was a change in the power dynamic. A shift in voice. We both knew that this wasn’t a decision we could have equal say in. There was no playing fair here. The cards we were dealt almost entirely in my hand and I had to decide the next move. 

Every decision we’d made up until that point was an open playing field. He had thoughts; I had thoughts; together we made decisions. There were no rules about whose thoughts mattered more, whose opinions carried more weight. We were two people living side by side, building a life together. 

But there’s no side by side in an unplanned pregnancy. He was literally inside me. Half of that baby was his and I had to decide what I do with it. No matter what I chose there would be consequences, and no matter what I chose there was no going back. I couldn’t change my mind, this was all in, either way all in. I had the power to change us both forever. I was in control, there was no weaseling my way out. Doing nothing wasn’t an option. 

I chose abortion, and he chose me.
He chose to hold me, love me, be with me. 

Looking back I can see how little room I gave him to have his own experience. It was easy to gloss over. I was the one bleeding; I was the one with the empty womb. My body was swirling in hormones, and I was the one whose body had just been filled with cells from our unborn baby. 

Quite frankly I was a mess and he was on clean up duty. 

Time went by.
I found my healing.
I started breathing fully again.

There was no playbook that said, now it’s time to let him get messy. I sat in bed googling ways to heal after abortion and found next to nothing for myself. I certainly found nothing that reminded me he might be grieving too. 

All around us the world kept saying:
“My body, my choice.”
“Women’s rights”
“No uterus, no opinion.”

These messages make sense, but they are isolating. They miss the mark on exploring the scope of what it means to be human. They gloss over our interconnectedness. Like much of the world around us they paint a black and white picture in a multi-colored world.

Abortion isn’t a women’s rights issue.
It’s a human rights issue. 

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If you are one of the 1 in 4 women who have had an abortion in your lifetime,
and you are not thriving the way you desire: