My Three Year Abortion Anniversary and a Pandemic

Bonus Episode:

Anniversary dates matter.
Your body remembers.
Your feelings matter.
xoxo

My body remembered before I did, and this is how I decided to process and share.

It’s day 11 of self-isolation in the 2020 Corona-virus pandemic. 

This morning the brain fog felt heavy. I wanted to run away, 
to hide…
but there was nowhere to go.

Even a morning walk in the sun felt cloudy.

I couldn’t think straight,
my hands weren’t moving the way I wanted them to,
the words weren’t coming, 
every breath felt loaded.

As I stood at the counter trying to attach grosgrain ribbon to do-it-yourself surgical masks,
a distinct feeling grabbed my attention. 

 

I’d been feeling it all morning,
on and off,
waving,
pulsing,
a familiar and surging pressure in my breasts.

 

Let down.

Phantom milk filling ducts that hadn’t been engaged in years. 

 

My brain scanned for possible reasons:

• Was I tapping into the collective desire to be nurtured and nourished in an uncertain world?

• Was my body bringing my attention to the raw caregiving instinct of the human woman?

• Was it a fluke? Nothing more than a random physical sensation?

 

I tossed down the sewing and let the tears roll down my cheeks. I told my husband that today felt hard. I wasn’t sure why, but today just felt hard. 

 

“And that’s ok.” was his response. 

 

Then I retreated. 

 

I settled myself into my favorite nook in the couch,
and as I let myself feel,
it struck me. 

 

Three years ago today March 24, 2017
I had an abortion. 
My body remembers. 
The loss is cellular.

 

Losing a child, by choice, or by nature isn’t something that disappears. 

It lives with you,
inside you, 
as a part of you. 

 

Once I realized, she came into focus quickly. 

I’ve been connecting with Baby Grace since the moment of conception.

Her energy is gentle, loving, alive.

Today is no different.

 

My body remembered before I did.

The tears keep flowing, 
but nothing has gone wrong.

 

Today is for Feeling.

 

The world does in fact need nurturing and nourishing,
and the masks do need to be sewn,
but today is for Feeling. 

 

Tomorrow I’ll pick myself up and keep going,
but today I cry…
and that’s ok. 

 

Feeling this,
not pushing it away,
honoring it for all the women who have been here,
that is my contribution.

That is how I nurture and nourish.

 

I invite you to join me. 

What is it that you need to feel today?

 

Go ahead.

We’ve got you.

Baby Grace and I are right there with you.

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If you are one of the 1 in 4 women who have had an abortion in your lifetime,
and you are not thriving the way you desire: