The post:
When I met Shawn and invited her to be a part of the podcast, I knew that what we had to talk about was big; the colossal kind of big. So gigantic that you can’t even see where it ends and where it begins. As I sat down to compose a blog post it felt a lot like sitting down to write my abortion memoir… IMPOSSIBLE. You can’t just have a discussion about shame and abortion, and call it a day. Shame is blanketing the abortion conversation.
It’s everywhere: suffocating women, inspiring activists to find their voices, and even fueling the pro-life movement.
How exactly does one start a conversation about shame when it’s intricately woven and webbed into every facet of her being. Processing shame (in one flavor or another) is one of the most common conversations I have with my clients regarding their abortions, and it’s also been one of the hardest things for me to process about my own. That’s because, when I really look closely I can see that shame isn’t just something we experience, it’s a part of who we are. In many ways it’s raised us, shaped us, and sculpted us into who we are today. In one way or another shame has popped it’s vibration into all of our lives: health, body type, parenting, relationships, career…
Shame is everywhere, whispering and yelling things like:
“Do better.”
“Be more.”
“Speak less.”
“Think smarter.”
“Try harder.”
…
It’s around every corner.
Most of the women I meet experience some kind of shame around their abortion:
I should have known better,
done better,
been better…
I shouldn’t feel so bad,
so good,
so indifferent…
Next time I’ll be more careful,
choose smarter,
take less risks...
It’s all my fault,
his fault,
their fault...
The way I see it, healing our shame regarding our abortions is an opportunity to heal shame in all parts of our life. How you do one thing is how you do everything. Like anything that challenges us to step further into who we really are, abortion is simply an invitation for us to grow. It’s a place that we can get to know our shame. Through curiosity and commitment, we can stand up stronger and taller than we ever have before.
I help my clients hear the voices in their own heads. Then I invite them to really feel and get to know their shame. When they do, they realize it’s not as dark and scary as they thought that it was.
Listening, noticing, and acknowledging our shame is the first step to releasing its power over us. The natural consequence of taking these first steps is that we start to see and understand what else might be possible. Shining light on our darkness allows us to see others things that were once hiding on the sidelines. This invites us to give our attention to new places, tell new stories, and practice believing new things. To live different lives than the ones we are currently living we have to try new things; things we’ve never tried before.
The stories that bring most of us shame are nestled into all parts of our social, political, and religious cultures, so trying new things can feel scary, but it’s how we free ourselves from the grip of shame. The steps are simple, but they’re not easy. Most of us have never been taught how to say no to shame.
