More About Me
This is big work. One of my favorite things about it is getting to know you, hearing women’s stories, stepping into their lives for moments at a time to be able to fully support them. Trust is vital. That’s why I’ll keep sharing more and more about who I am and WHY I do this work. In this episode we dig in a little deeper.
The Whole Speech & More About Me:
27 months ago, I did a thing I said I would never do, and then I named her.
8 days after it happened I started reading Kate Northrop’s Money a love story, and I cracked open a new journal. The first page of that journal reads:
My money love story:
I had an abortion so I can become a multi millionaire and change our family money story.
Dear Baby,
Thank you. Our time together was not wasted. I know you know that, but I’m just figuring it out. I need your help here. I need you to step up to this plate with me. I’m ready to hear you in a whole new way. We can do this together even though you are not here in body. LET’S GO GET EM!!!
♡Mom
After the words landed on paper I felt exhilarated and awed. I don’t know where it came from. Making money was definitely not one of the conscious factors in my decision making, but there it was all laid out in black ink.
Then came the shame:
What kind of mother aborts her baby to become a multi-millionaire?
What if people find out?
What will they say?
If abortion is my motivation then the money is blood money...
And because the shame wasn’t enough my brain decided to sprinkle on some doubt. And what I mean by sprinkle is this:
Page two of the journal reads this, “ I don’t have what it takes to become a multi millionaire.”
Followed by 61 reasons I couldn’t possibly make that much money:
I’m not brave enough
I’m afraid of my feelings
I’m afraid of my own power
I’m afraid I’ll sacrifice my kids childhood
My voice shakes when I speak
61 reasons to validate that not only that I was a baby killer, but I was a baby killer and a failure.
But somehow, despite this madness in my head, I had faith. There was a belief in me that kept floating to the surface, “This happened for a reason.” She came here for a reason.
That’s when I named her. It was an entire year later that I realized I named her, but I had named her long before the letters came into clarity, G-R-A-C-E
GRACE
noun- simple elegance or refinement of movement.
Abortion was far from simple. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, yet she made it simple, she made it obvious, she broke the pain into bearable chunks with her whispers of the soul, words of clarity- mother to child
noun- (in Christian belief) a divinely given blessing.
A blessing in disguise, is no less a blessing, and she has blessed me in ways my living children never could
noun- the condition or fact of being favored by someone.
Favored by a soul I’ll never “meet”. She chose me. She picked me. She gifted me this complicated and deeply rewarding human experience of walking other women through their healing journey.
verb- do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence
I am here in honor of her. This is now my work. This is my service. My service to her and my service to humanity.
And so it is. Her name is GRACE and she is the thing I thought I’d never do.
When she came to me, I was deep in network marketing. The top of a small company leading others on a path to freedom through the vehicle of Traditional Chinese Medicine. By default I figured it was time to step up my game and earn the multi-millions the company told me was possible.
But she kept whispering.
Not this.
I was scared, but I knew she was right.
Not this.
One year later I found Brooke and committed to coach training, but it wasn’t until after certification that I realized.
“I had an abortion so I can become a multi millionaire and change our family money story.”
Now I see I chose coach training so I can support women after abortion.
She’s still whispering.
She nudges me when I get off track.
She wakes me up when I lose hope.
She keeps whispering,
And I’m still scared,
But I keep listening.
I owe her that.
I owe myself that.
Today she wants to know:
What’s the thing you said you would never do, and what will you name her?
A little more about me:
I met my husband in highschool. Things really heated up when I left for college and missed him every second of every day.
I tell people I met the perfect person, but too early. I wouldn’t trade our story for another though, too early was out on time.
We live in the same area we met. The cutest little village in Massachusetts.
It’s where we raise our three beautiful children in the home we bought one year before we were married.
Our abortion came as a big surprise.
After 20 years of safe sex it was out first unplanned pregnancy and when we took the first negative test we were both so relieved. We knew we didn’t want another baby, but we also were both pretty unsure we could follow through with an abortion.
The second test wasn’t negative though. Either was the third.
Abortion was the hardest and most right decision we’ve ever made.
It brought us so much closer together.
Being married is hard and amazing. Raising kids is hard and amazing. We knew our limit on both those things. I’m pretty sure to this day that another baby would have broken us.
I know in my bones it would have sent us into many years of struggle and hardship which would not have been in the highest good of anyone involved.
That’s the thing about abortion. From the outside, an onlooker can say, “Have another baby, you’ll figure it out.” but “figuring it out” isn’t always in the highest good. “Figuring it out” is survival. We were ready to thrive. And that’s exactly what we’ve done.
Our girls are in their teen years now. I wouldn’t wish abortion on them or on anyone, but as they step into these next years I am so grateful we live in a place where they have access to decide. I’m even more grateful to know they have this choice, than I was about my own. Life is meant to be lived consciously and fully. Lack of choice depletes that power.
As human beings we’re all a product of our reactions to our circumstances; shit happens, and when we have good resources we can make powerful decisions.
When I had my abortion I knew that I was meant to dig deeper into the social and structural conversation around reproductive health. There are so many amazing people and organizations out there advocating for rights to care; they are amazing and they need more help, but it became clear to me that my training as a life coach set me up to support women after abortion.
Again, a HUGE segment of the population. Where was my voice?
As an entrepreneur and a public voice my voice evolved for the women who are willing to explore and see exactly why they made their choice, and then show up to live as I have.
I know that feeling when you realize you can’t go back and you have two choices: stay stuck in all the what ifs and hows, or power forward in honor of the choice you made.
It takes confidence and courage to live after abortion. I’m the coach for women who aren’t quite sure how to do that, but want it the way I did.
