Privacy vs. Secrecy After Abortion
This week’s guest is Kimberly Mathis. She’s a coach for folx who need more freedom. She works with people who cannot keep living with the status quo. They know they want something to change, even if they’re not yet clear on what or how. She helps them figure it out, and then works to liberate them from anything that stands in their way, including relationships, patriarchy, money, traditions, rules, jobs, family, friends, bodies, and/or minds.
Visit her website at: https://www.kimberlymathis.com/
Show Notes:
2:09 Kimberly’s introduction @the.liberatin.coach
3:15 We get to decide when, if, and how to share our story
4:19 “Privacy and secrecy are two different things”
4:33 “I like to describe myself as recovering disney romance addict”
5:27 Social norms that couples should do everything together, and tell each other everything
5:39 Esther Perel “it kills desire in a relationship when you don’t feel any separation”
6:53 “The difference for me between privacy and secrecy is really a felt sense”
7:21 Privacy: boundaries, self-care, choice
8:07 ‘I should feel safe with my partner is just a thought
8:17 “If a thought has the word should in it, that’s a flag for investigation”
8:38 “I want to feel safe with my partner but it’s not always the case”
9:10 Maybe feeling safe is feeling loved and loving with that privacy
10:15 “What about it feels big to you?” go from there
10:29 “There is no right answer about if you should or should not tell”
11:46 “My opinion matters the most”
12:03 “There’s a difference between sharing because you want someone to know more about you, and sharing because you want their opinion”
13:58 “I want to be partnered with someone who can hold space for the differences…”
14:21 What am I making it mean about me?
14:58 Secrecy: shame, hiding, fear of judgement
16:56 “Pay attention to the thoughts that are running the show” Are they helpful?
17:46 “the message people have about boundaries is that they are a way to punish… what boundaries are actually for is self-care”
18:04 “Where are your lines to maintain your own physical, mental, emotional health”
18:25 “What boundaries do you have around their response?”... be clear about why you want to tell them “I’m not asking for your opinion. I’m not asking for advice”
20:01 “As people we naturally tend toward fixing”
20:34 I’m not looking for your help, this is a point of connection- opens up space
22:00 “I notice I’m having the thought __xyz__” creates distance between myself and my brain
22:30 Voxer app
23:45 Practice- go back to a time and investigate
24:20 There’s no right or wrong way, try it all
24:38 “Does it feel like you are hiding or does it feel like you are taking care of yourself?”
24:53 When it’s in your best interest to hide…
26:18 “I don’t think secrecy is bad; it’s not like privacy is the best and secrecy is bad”
27:57 What happens when one partner tells it all and another is more quiet?
32:22 Take what you like and leave the rest behind
33:55 Challenging relationship norms
34:00 Kalah Hill- challenging family norms
34:51 Relationship Anarchy
www.kimberlymathis.com
